Vivir, tener, amar

I always say I don’t get why people try to go to sleep cuddling, to be sweet or romantic, even though it is completely uncomfortable. Today he told me, last night we fell asleep holding each other. With a grin on his face.

And then I thought, maybe it is not that terrible if I fall into sleep next to this person for many more nights. I felt like I can finally relate to those pop song lyrics. I want to go to sleep feeling his heartbeat after a long day. I want to wake up next to him in the morning sun. Maybe we can even grow old together. We can be vulnerable, be silly, be confused in front of each other. We can be true to each other. Together. We can dance to Bailando under the bright Spanish daylight with window wide open. We can cook instant green curry and be so proud of our fruit of labor. We can practice languages. We can hacer amor.

The tackiest, most cliche question is, is this love? People ask all the time, but usually confusing “Do I love her/him?” with “Should I tell her/him I love her/him?”. Cosmopolitan has articles and articles talking about when is the right timing to tell your partner the three words, but it does not tell you when you know that you are in love. Surely voicing it out loud somehow makes it more real. But is it love?

And then again, are bubbles fascinating because they break within seconds? As Japanese philosophy sees the most beautiful moment of cherry blossom is when the pedals fall in the spring air? Are we capable of having something real while constantly hopping around the world trying to discover ourselves? Either way, it is always exciting to start off somewhere new, even though it does not get easier to say goodbye to old ones. May our paths cross again. The world is not so big after all.


A Norwegian man

A half Norwegian half German man said he was ‘6 feet 4’ in an almost perfect American accent.

He was born and raised north of the Arctic Circle. He stayed in the US founding a tech start-up after graduating from an Ivy League school. A casual but smart grey T-shirt, well-combed blonde hair, lean muscles from sailing and skiing. In short, a living example of the new generation of entrepreneurs in the time of globalization.

When he talks about being a co-founder of a start-up, his blue-grey eyes wander a lot, trying to find precise wording to express his mixed feeling. “I mean it is a lot of pressure because the tech industry moves so fast, and you are always anxious trying to keep up,” he takes a sip of his dry cider and continues, “we have an amazing tech team working with our product, but usually when problems happen it is on the management side, and that is super frustrating. I had a staff, who was a very nice guy and we had a really good personal relationship. You know, grabbing a couple beers every now and then kind of friends. But I had to let him go, because it just wasn’t working at office. He wasn’t capable.” “Well, you gotta do what you gotta do, to pay your insane rent in San Francisco, no?” “Exactly!” he cracks up.

When I told him about how I respond to some people in the US asking me “But you eat dogs in China, right?” (I usually just shrug and say, “yeah and we eat American people too”), he tells me about a horrible Tinder date he had in San Francisco. They went to have sushi. After ordering, they started with some small talks. “What do you usually eat in Norway?” the girl asks. He said something about well mostly international food but regarding to traditional Norwegian cuisine, reindeers and whales. The girl screamed, say what?! No!  “She was like seriously mad, yelling ‘I am a member of an ocean conservation organization, and whales are SO CUTE, and how could you eat them?!’” he imitates a valley girl accent in high pitch. “I was a bit annoyed because the whales we eat in Norway are not hunted from wild, and it is not endangering their species, but I didn’t want to ruin the date, so I just went on joking ‘yeah I know, sometimes we eat dolphins too’”, and he bursts into laugh, “and she actually got really upset, so we packed our food and left in an awkward silence.  It was like a 5 minutes date.”

“Well, personally I eat meat because I don’t have the heart to waste our ancestors efforts, fighting hard for us to get to the top of food chain,” I joked, “But honestly how unfair is it that we aren’t supposed to eat whales or dolphins or dogs because ‘they are SO CUTE’? Wait, it is okay to eat pigs because they are ugly? Such discrimination by appearance!” “Haha I will steal this argument from now on!” …Of course, we tacitly kept ours voice low having this conversation in the terrace seat.

When we are walking along La Seine enjoying the sun that finally showed up after a whole month of gloominess, he mumbles how he was jealous of me being back in grad school in Europe. “I like what I do and it’s a lot of fun, but I don’t really see myself continue doing this for the next decade, you know” he says as he looks over the Notre Dame wearing the 9pm golden sunlight across the river. “I am in the middle of being trapped into my career path and still feeling like a child with uncertainty and possibilities.”


The morning after without a night

I woke up with a cute French guy next to me. I could barely open my eyes, but I felt his smile as he gently stroked my hair. When I got out of shower, he was sitting on the couch, with two cups of tea and some fruits.

It was a classic ‘morning after’. Except that there was no night.

I met him for a couple times at a tennis court. The night before, after playing tennis, we had a very late dinner (Ugh, Europe!) and finished at 1:30am. It was pouring hard, and he was biking, so he crashed at my place. We talked for a while. No alcohol, no kissing, no touching, no flirting. Just tea, blankets and some life-story sharing. He told me about his childhood moving around the world, med school and his mildly wild adventures (recently he swam in the flooded La Seine and got chased by police in the river, with cheering audiences on the banks). I told him about law and policies, life in Asia, and my definitely wild dreams. And then we went to sleep lying next to each other like two kids taking a nap at the kindergarten.

Under the Parisian morning light, everything was so real yet surprisingly not awkward at all. In fact, it felt perfect. So we kissed, and it was indeed perfect.